Searching for my faith - What do I need to do?
This is my first English post. I usually write my blog exclusively in Japanese. Though I may make some mistakes, please bear with me.
To tell the truth, I'm not that confident in my English writing skill. Although I have more than 10 years of experience with the English language, I'm still not quite fully contempt with my English skill, especially in the fields of speaking and writing.
English grammer tricks me. I need the help of the google search, for I struggle often with grammatical problems. I tend to forget the articles. I'm never sure if I should put "a" or "the" or nothing. Yes, I've read grammatical textbooks, but it didn't really teach me any solid, stable rule. I don't have that problem with German, so maybe it is an English language thing. The English grammatical rules are sometimes too ambiguous, in my opinion.
Anyways, couple learning methods such as reading novels and writing blogs should bring improvements.
Today's topic is the faith.
To tell the truth, I'm having quite a hard time recently. I won't get into deep details, but to put it short, the memories from my childhood of torturous abuse from my parents are stinging my heart. It had been sealed and concealed, but, recently, it seems like the wound has been revealed and reopened. Now, nasty juices are oozing out of my wound, and I'm having hard time bearing the pain. It makes me scream, "How long will the pain continue? I can not take it anymore!"
I do not want to approve my biological father as my father. Then I met a book written by a Japanese catholioc father. It was about making a cross and prayer. What interested me the most was the idea of the "real" Father in Heaven. Father in Heaven, who is almighty and just, giving unfailing love to me. That sounds wonderful!
I've started reading the Bible in English (New Living Translation). This way, I can learn both the Bible and the English language simultaneously.
I just open the book and read whatever catches my attention. My favorite book so far is the book of Ecclesiastes. Everything is meaningless - like chasing the wind. I had the same world view. I was instantly pulled into the book, and somewhat gained a important teaching, or at least felt like I did.
I wanted to join church, but then I got stuck with the decision of Catholic or Protestant. In my opinion, the catholic Father is better than the protestant Pastor. Pastor can get married and have wife and child of his own, but Father can't. In that matter, Father must give up that previlage and be single, or from another perspectve, be a father for everyone. Furthermore, clergies are in somewhat previlaged position, and if he has his family of his own, it is natural to think that that man might want more than what he need. Isn't it natural for a man to want to make more and more money to buy more for his girl? Please listen to the song, "A Hard Day's Night" by the Beatles. The point is, if the craving for money comes in, then it becomes a business. For that reason, I thought it is better for the priests to be single.
With that being said, however, I don't think it is right for me to join the Catholic Church. There are simply too much rules and regulations. i.e., I need the permission to marry someone who is not christian. It is just all too much. I just want to make covenant with the lord my god.
Then, when I look at Protestants instead, I get overwhelmed by the number of choices. There are simply so many denominations to choose from. I wonder if that is all necessary. I mean, can't you just simply become "a christian," without belonging to one perticular group of christians? Do I even need to go to a church? I can read the Bible my self, and have my own way of the worship. For the same reason, I do not think it is necessary for me to get baptized. It is just a matter of the ritual, isn't it? Oh, well, I guess I'll get it if that is the will of God.
Thank you for reading. God bless you.
IN NOMINE PATRIS ET FILII ET SPIRITVS SANCTI
To tell the truth, I'm not that confident in my English writing skill. Although I have more than 10 years of experience with the English language, I'm still not quite fully contempt with my English skill, especially in the fields of speaking and writing.
English grammer tricks me. I need the help of the google search, for I struggle often with grammatical problems. I tend to forget the articles. I'm never sure if I should put "a" or "the" or nothing. Yes, I've read grammatical textbooks, but it didn't really teach me any solid, stable rule. I don't have that problem with German, so maybe it is an English language thing. The English grammatical rules are sometimes too ambiguous, in my opinion.
Anyways, couple learning methods such as reading novels and writing blogs should bring improvements.
Today's topic is the faith.
To tell the truth, I'm having quite a hard time recently. I won't get into deep details, but to put it short, the memories from my childhood of torturous abuse from my parents are stinging my heart. It had been sealed and concealed, but, recently, it seems like the wound has been revealed and reopened. Now, nasty juices are oozing out of my wound, and I'm having hard time bearing the pain. It makes me scream, "How long will the pain continue? I can not take it anymore!"
I do not want to approve my biological father as my father. Then I met a book written by a Japanese catholioc father. It was about making a cross and prayer. What interested me the most was the idea of the "real" Father in Heaven. Father in Heaven, who is almighty and just, giving unfailing love to me. That sounds wonderful!
I've started reading the Bible in English (New Living Translation). This way, I can learn both the Bible and the English language simultaneously.
I just open the book and read whatever catches my attention. My favorite book so far is the book of Ecclesiastes. Everything is meaningless - like chasing the wind. I had the same world view. I was instantly pulled into the book, and somewhat gained a important teaching, or at least felt like I did.
I wanted to join church, but then I got stuck with the decision of Catholic or Protestant. In my opinion, the catholic Father is better than the protestant Pastor. Pastor can get married and have wife and child of his own, but Father can't. In that matter, Father must give up that previlage and be single, or from another perspectve, be a father for everyone. Furthermore, clergies are in somewhat previlaged position, and if he has his family of his own, it is natural to think that that man might want more than what he need. Isn't it natural for a man to want to make more and more money to buy more for his girl? Please listen to the song, "A Hard Day's Night" by the Beatles. The point is, if the craving for money comes in, then it becomes a business. For that reason, I thought it is better for the priests to be single.
With that being said, however, I don't think it is right for me to join the Catholic Church. There are simply too much rules and regulations. i.e., I need the permission to marry someone who is not christian. It is just all too much. I just want to make covenant with the lord my god.
Then, when I look at Protestants instead, I get overwhelmed by the number of choices. There are simply so many denominations to choose from. I wonder if that is all necessary. I mean, can't you just simply become "a christian," without belonging to one perticular group of christians? Do I even need to go to a church? I can read the Bible my self, and have my own way of the worship. For the same reason, I do not think it is necessary for me to get baptized. It is just a matter of the ritual, isn't it? Oh, well, I guess I'll get it if that is the will of God.
Thank you for reading. God bless you.
IN NOMINE PATRIS ET FILII ET SPIRITVS SANCTI